I want Pimples. When will I have one?

Seriously, Pimples? First time I heard the question from my 5 year old daughter, I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. If she had asked for the new Barbie makeup set or the new battery operated car, I would have at least given it a thought. But she wants Pimples.

And “When will I have one?” Would have been much easier to explain if she had asked for an explanation of what’s ghosts or why do I have to sleep everyday or even the digestive system of a dolphin. But this one is by far the most serious conversations I had with my daughter or rather in my whole life. So here’s how it goes -

5yr: “Mom, I have a Pimple?” says while still looking in the mirror

Mom: “What? When? How? NO, it’s a mosquito bite.” I got my breath back.

5 yr: “When will I have pimples?”

Mom: “Why do you want pimples?” After a brief pause of 10 min

5 yr: “Because you said only adults have it.”

Mom: “BTW do you know what are pimples?”

5 yr: “When you have pink or red spots on your face and you can apply different creams and lotions and face packs”

Mom: Have you every heard of a more rosy definition of pimples. “So, do you want a pimple or you want to be an adult?”

5 yr: “Both”

Mom: “Why do want to grow up so fast?”

5 yr: “You keep saying, Grow up and stop crying. Grow up and fight back. Grow up and finish your milk. “

Mom: “But to get pimples you will have to be a teenager, like 15-16 yrs old.”

5 yr: “That means I will have to wait another 5 years.” She is still learning addition in school, so the difference.

Mom: “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

5 yr: “Married” n giggles. Didn’t dare to ask what that giggling meant.

Mom: “No, I mean, doctor, astronaut, teacher?”

5 yr: “I only want to be married.”

Mom: “Do you know what married means? You will have to do your own dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery, bills and more.”

5 yr: “But you have help for all this. Aunty comes in the morning no? You don’t have to do it.”

Mom: “Ok forget about that, you will need to get a job, before you can get married. How else will you go shopping.”

5 yr: Very serious and quiet now. I think I had popped the right question or else she would have moved out of the house by the end of this conversation.

Mom: So I continued the argument in the right direction. “You need to finish school and go to college. Only then you can get a decent job in a big office. Unless you want to work at a gas station or McDonalds.”

5 yr: “McDonalds. I can work in McDonalds even if I don’t finish my school?”

Mom: “Yeah that means you will not get a good pay.”

5 yr: “But then I will get a Happy Meal everyday and can choose the toy I want.” And that brought the smile back on her face.

Before we could continue with our serious discussion further, she heard the sound of Oggy and Cockroaches, playing on TV. I think she had made up her mind. All she wants for now is to get married and have a Happy Meal. And she keeps asking her grandpa to buy her an engagement ring.

I am glad we had this conversation. It had brought back memories of how simple life was and how small our needs were. These conversations also help you embrace the inevitable fact that kids grow up faster than we think and before you know they will be closing doors on your face and asking for privacy. Everyday for atleast 10 seconds I wish they can stop growing up and things can be the way they are.

Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine for Kids – Word of Caution

Have you seen the Bollywood movie, “A Wednesday” where Aamir bashir and Jimmy Shergill, play the good cop/ bad cop routine (I know I am a movie buff). Jimmy Shergill plays the angry bad cop, who believes in using more hands than mouth and Aamir bashir plays the good cop, who is sympathetic towards the suspect and the suspect confesses and gives him the needed information. Can you relate it with your life in someway?

I know I am not the ideal mom with high parenting standards, but we all it at some level, intentionally/ unintentionally, like "Don't tell your Mom" or "Clean up the room, or else I Dad will scold you".  

Everyday is a battle, whether it is to get them ready for school, put them to bed, wash hands before eating, pull them out of the park, make them clean up, finish dinner, keep school bags in place, not pull each others hair, put off the TV, flush after using the restroom, throw in dustbin (haaaah I feel better venting that out). So, you see, it is it very easy to loose your patience and use whatever tactics works to get their attention and get things done.

If one parent keeps saying NO all the time being the Bad Cop, trying to impose discipline, it is very natural for the child to favor the Good Cop. At home, I am the “Bad Cop”, because I am the one who has to deal with them all day and when Dad comes home, suddenly both the kids light up and there are hugs and kisses (there are no songs playing the background, only a slow running heroin, read as kids, with wide open arms meeting her love after the atrocities of the world). And I am the one standing one side with the whip in my hand and a long sad face.

There are certain Conditions/ Disclaimers you need to keep in mind, because the kids are very smart in sensing the slightest hint if you as parents are not posing a united front before them and will use it as an opportunity to divide and rule. (No, I mean it) -

1. Both parents need to establish certain parenting rules like not to contradict each other in front of kids, if one says NO, then NO it is. You have to talk out your differences in private and pose as one.
2. Don’t feel guilty, as firstly they are too small to remember this for life and secondly. it will  not cause any permanent psychological disorder in your child. As long as you are not physically abusing them, just warnings and yelling they are going to be just fine.
3. If you have more than one kid, apply it on one, and the improvements will be visible on all others (am I sounding like an ad for day cream). Next day use it on the other kid and let the first one be the audience. No baising, or else one kid will start feeling he’s the boss and the other feels low in confidence.
4. Don’t overdo it, “Kabhi kisi to itna bhi mat darao ki darr hi khatam ho jaye” (I just watched ‘Mary Kom’ movie)
5. Don’t take it too far where kids start to learn that one parent is more strict and the other is more permissive. You need to maintain that you are united and have no differences between you.
6. Always remember what works for a 4 year old will not work on a 10 year old kid.

So there’s was the word of caution, use the trap at your own risk. 

Everybody loves only Dad, the "Good Cop"

Wish I had a wife too

 Yeah, I wish I had a wife too. Don’t let your imagination go wild, I am straight. And no, I am not jealous of my husband, ok maybe a little. Seriously, life would be so much better. If you think the answer is a household help. Not really, here’s why-

When someone says, “OMG, are those your kids. Look at what they are doing. Please stop them.” I would come home and say “It was so embarrassing for me. You should teach them better manners.”

I would blame her for forgetting family birthdays and special occasions.

While playing games on my phone I would say “You have spoiled these kids. They are either watching TV, if not TV, they are busy playing on the Tablet or mobile. What is their future?”

I could sit on the couch with a remote and say the TV screen is not clean these days, it is so difficult to watch TV. And then watch something without bothering about Adult content.

If the maid doesn’t come I would say, “Don’t bother to do the dishes, sweetie. I will do it when I back from office. Promise.” Yeah right.

Sunday morning I could say, “I will not be able to watch the kids as I have to go to a coffee shop to catch up with an old friend. He is in town only for 1 day.” If she says, “Can we come too, it would be a chance to meet with your friend.” I would say, “Baby, you don’t know him and moreover he is not bringing his family. Don’t worry will be back in half an hour.” Imagine, so much freedom.

“Its been such a long time since we haven’t invited any friends home for dinner, honey. They really like your cooking, can we call them over for dinner tomm”. I would become a very good host.

I would get a packed dabba every morning. Would not eat it and would just say “Oh!! had to go out for a lunch meeting. It was planned last minute. Don’t mind.”

Wouldn’t bother about eating healthy just to set a good example for the kids.

“Where are my Towel, socks and handkerchief?” Every morning, without fail I would say that with my eyes closed.

When she would say “What should I make for lunch?” I would say “Whatever you want, baby”. And when its time to sit down and eat, “Whats for lunch?  Oh, ….long pause….do we have bread at home?”

“I want some tea. I know we just finished lunch, but I want something to settle down the overeating I have done.”

“I can’t go the Parents Teacher Meeting this one time”.  

When the kids have a summer break and my wife would go nuts managing them, I would say, “It is their time to play and enjoy. You are going to miss these days, so enjoy while it lasts”. As of now I only wish he could join us in the fun.

 “What are you planning you for the kid’s birthday Party? Plan it well in time, but don’t forget the budget. Kid is really excited about it”.  I would say it like a “caring” and “responsible” mother or rather father to my wife.

This list is unending. Happy world it would be.

I know wife’s come with a baggage of their own and maybe they a little high maintenance. But that is only once in a while, it can make everyday so easy and convenient.

On Second thoughts, one day she will think of me the way I do for my husband now and want a wife of her own too. This is a vicious circle. Wife’s wife, and then wife’s wife. Hmmm don’t think it is such a good idea after all. Too complicated for my 2 kids to handle.

I guess I will have to do a better job training the husband I have. Afterall, I want the same husband for the next 7 births.

 

See that's what I am talking about. Not literally carry the kids though.

Do you think Sleeping Patterns Reflect Marriage Status even after KIDS?

If you think this is another one of those Marriage Assessment articles that predict how your Marriage will be based on a couples Sleeping Pattern, you are wrong. Well, remember I have KIDS. It is a lifelong condition after which all predictions fail. Yes, its true.

Talk about a pattern, we have none. Where we sleep? Where we get up? Who we sleep with (I mean which kid of the 2)? Which pillow/ comforter we will get, if we get one?  Which toy car or teddy we will find under us? There is absolutely no routine, our life is so happening. Even in the middle of the night.

Our sleeping room feels like a scene from Paranormal Activity, here’s why –

Day 1, Kothari Residence, Master Bedroom. – 12:00 midnight

Dad and Mom sleeping peacefully bed with the younger one sleeping in the middle. Elder one is sleeping on the mattress close by. Suddenly someone is pulling my comforter, its all dark, no faces. And then there is a hush voice in my ears. “Momma my pajamas are all wet”.

Day 2. All well. Guess tired from previous night.

Day 3, Kids Room, 3 am

Hear the noise of some toy playing downstairs in the kids room. Too scared to go down and check myself, wake up the Dad. I have to keep the kids safe, so decide to stay with them. Dad takes out his revolver, I mean the cellphone. Slowly gets down the stairs and the toy is still playing. So he puts it off and even takes out the batteries.

Day 4, 1 am

Dad sleeping down on the additional mattress. Mom with 2 kids on the bed. Thud, a big sound. No points for guessing this one correctly. One down. I pretend to be still sleeping, I only do that when I am very tired.

Day 5, 2 am

Knock on the door. I pretend to be sleeping and now my husband is getting smarter, so he is pretending to be asleep too. Second knock, and calls out “Momma”, no choice left, getup and open the door. Daughter who was sleeping with grandpa wants Momma now. These monsters will make for their sleep in the next afternoon nap while we would be struggling the whole of the next day?

Day 6,1 am

There is a low mumbling sound, coming from far distance. I must be dreaming. So try to go back to sleep. The voice is now a little louder; my 5 yr old was sleep talking. Sometimes I think it is their evil plan to make sure they trouble us as much during the night as we had troubled them during the day. Both of us (not the kid, not means Dad and Mom) are wide awake and trying to make sense out of what she is trying to say. Next day while I was trying to tell my friends why I couldn’t sleep, again. Some enthusiastic Mom, no offence, overheard the conversation. And came and said, she must be upset over something or must have had a bad day at school. A new angle to the story, enough to lose sleep over.

Another night, 4 pm

Younger one gets up, sits upright and says “I want water” and starts crying. While I am trying to calm him down (no I wasn’t sleeping), Dad gets some water in a bottle. Now he starts crying even harder. “I want it in my glass”. Dad goes back down and gets it in another glass. Dad has no clue which exactly is his glass. So now he is crying uncontrollably and would not open his eyes to see anything. It been half an hour and we have no clue what to do. So we switch on the TV and bring all the glasses. Another half an hour he is now happily watching TV and I am making tea for the two of us. These kids may seem little, but they surely know how to get what they want.

Then there are nights when the kid is not well or vomit everything out in the middle of the night because they gobbled everything down or didn’t drink water or ate too much.

I think you now have a fairly good idea of our life after we go to bed. We might go to bed, but that doesn’t mean we are asleep. So when THEY say they can tell about your relationship from how you sleep means “How you plan to sleep”. Because now we have these god sent angels (as some people refer to their kids on Facebook) in our lives holding the strings like we were their little puppets.

Wish me Sleep!!