Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Wish I had a wife too


 Yeah, I wish I had a wife too. Don’t let your imagination go wild, I am straight. And no, I am not jealous of my husband, ok maybe a little. Seriously, life would be so much better. If you think the answer is a household help. Not really, here’s why-

When someone says, “OMG, are those your kids. Look at what they are doing. Please stop them.” I would come home and say “It was so embarrassing for me. You should teach them better manners.”

I would blame her for forgetting family birthdays and special occasions.

While playing games on my phone I would say “You have spoiled these kids. They are either watching TV, if not TV, they are busy playing on the Tablet or mobile. What is their future?”

I could sit on the couch with a remote and say the TV screen is not clean these days, it is so difficult to watch TV. And then watch something without bothering about Adult content.

If the maid doesn’t come I would say, “Don’t bother to do the dishes, sweetie. I will do it when I back from office. Promise.” Yeah right.

Sunday morning I could say, “I will not be able to watch the kids as I have to go to a coffee shop to catch up with an old friend. He is in town only for 1 day.” If she says, “Can we come too, it would be a chance to meet with your friend.” I would say, “Baby, you don’t know him and moreover he is not bringing his family. Don’t worry will be back in half an hour.” Imagine, so much freedom.

“Its been such a long time since we haven’t invited any friends home for dinner, honey. They really like your cooking, can we call them over for dinner tomm”. I would become a very good host.

I would get a packed dabba every morning. Would not eat it and would just say “Oh!! had to go out for a lunch meeting. It was planned last minute. Don’t mind.”

Wouldn’t bother about eating healthy just to set a good example for the kids.

“Where are my Towel, socks and handkerchief?” Every morning, without fail I would say that with my eyes closed.

When she would say “What should I make for lunch?” I would say “Whatever you want, baby”. And when its time to sit down and eat, “Whats for lunch?  Oh, ….long pause….do we have bread at home?”

“I want some tea. I know we just finished lunch, but I want something to settle down the overeating I have done.”

“I can’t go the Parents Teacher Meeting this one time”.  

When the kids have a summer break and my wife would go nuts managing them, I would say, “It is their time to play and enjoy. You are going to miss these days, so enjoy while it lasts”. As of now I only wish he could join us in the fun.

 “What are you planning you for the kid’s birthday Party? Plan it well in time, but don’t forget the budget. Kid is really excited about it”.  I would say it like a “caring” and “responsible” mother or rather father to my wife.

This list is unending. Happy world it would be.

I know wife’s come with a baggage of their own and maybe they a little high maintenance. But that is only once in a while, it can make everyday so easy and convenient.

On Second thoughts, one day she will think of me the way I do for my husband now and want a wife of her own too. This is a vicious circle. Wife’s wife, and then wife’s wife. Hmmm don’t think it is such a good idea after all. Too complicated for my 2 kids to handle.

I guess I will have to do a better job training the husband I have. Afterall, I want the same husband for the next 7 births.


 
See that's what I am talking about. Not literally carry the kids though.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Do you think Sleeping Patterns Reflect Marriage Status even after KIDS?

If you think this is another one of those Marriage Assessment articles that predict how your Marriage will be based on a couples Sleeping Pattern, you are wrong. Well, remember I have KIDS. It is a lifelong condition after which all predictions fail. Yes, its true.

Talk about a pattern, we have none. Where we sleep? Where we get up? Who we sleep with (I mean which kid of the 2)? Which pillow/ comforter we will get, if we get one?  Which toy car or teddy we will find under us? There is absolutely no routine, our life is so happening. Even in the middle of the night.

Our sleeping room feels like a scene from Paranormal Activity, here’s why –

Day 1, Kothari Residence, Master Bedroom. – 12:00 midnight
Dad and Mom sleeping peacefully bed with the younger one sleeping in the middle. Elder one is sleeping on the mattress close by. Suddenly someone is pulling my comforter, its all dark, no faces. And then there is a hush voice in my ears. “Momma my pajamas are all wet”.

Day 2. All well. Guess tired from previous night.

Day 3, Kids Room, 3 am
Hear the noise of some toy playing downstairs in the kids room. Too scared to go down and check myself, wake up the Dad. I have to keep the kids safe, so decide to stay with them. Dad takes out his revolver, I mean the cellphone. Slowly gets down the stairs and the toy is still playing. So he puts it off and even takes out the batteries.

Day 4, 1 am
Dad sleeping down on the additional mattress. Mom with 2 kids on the bed. Thud, a big sound. No points for guessing this one correctly. One down. I pretend to be still sleeping, I only do that when I am very tired.

Day 5, 2 am
Knock on the door. I pretend to be sleeping and now my husband is getting smarter, so he is pretending to be asleep too. Second knock, and calls out “Momma”, no choice left, getup and open the door. Daughter who was sleeping with grandpa wants Momma now. These monsters will make for their sleep in the next afternoon nap while we would be struggling the whole of the next day?

Day 6,1 am
There is a low mumbling sound, coming from far distance. I must be dreaming. So try to go back to sleep. The voice is now a little louder; my 5 yr old was sleep talking. Sometimes I think it is their evil plan to make sure they trouble us as much during the night as we had troubled them during the day. Both of us (not the kid, not means Dad and Mom) are wide awake and trying to make sense out of what she is trying to say. Next day while I was trying to tell my friends why I couldn’t sleep, again. Some enthusiastic Mom, no offence, overheard the conversation. And came and said, she must be upset over something or must have had a bad day at school. A new angle to the story, enough to lose sleep over.

Another night, 4 pm
Younger one gets up, sits upright and says “I want water” and starts crying. While I am trying to calm him down (no I wasn’t sleeping), Dad gets some water in a bottle. Now he starts crying even harder. “I want it in my glass”. Dad goes back down and gets it in another glass. Dad has no clue which exactly is his glass. So now he is crying uncontrollably and would not open his eyes to see anything. It been half an hour and we have no clue what to do. So we switch on the TV and bring all the glasses. Another half an hour he is now happily watching TV and I am making tea for the two of us. These kids may seem little, but they surely know how to get what they want.

Then there are nights when the kid is not well or vomit everything out in the middle of the night because they gobbled everything down or didn’t drink water or ate too much.

I think you now have a fairly good idea of our life after we go to bed. We might go to bed, but that doesn’t mean we are asleep. So when THEY say they can tell about your relationship from how you sleep means “How you plan to sleep”. Because now we have these god sent angels (as some people refer to their kids on Facebook) in our lives holding the strings like we were their little puppets.

Wish me Sleep!!